Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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