I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
