did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
