I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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