this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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