It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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