I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
