I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
