People in love make me want to vomit
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
