The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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