You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
