I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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