I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
