We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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