Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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