Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
