Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
