I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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