I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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