He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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