You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
