I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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