If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
