Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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