I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
