I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
