a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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