This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
