why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
