OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
