is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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