dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
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