I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
