The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Randomize
