life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
