Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Pants are for mortals
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Randomize
