i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
