barbara walters just said penis...
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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