Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
