my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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