It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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