Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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