i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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