i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
