Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
