how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
