i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
