so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
