I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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