let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
